I cannot believe this never got posted. It has been quite some time since I started this blog. Over the weekend I felt like I needed to revisit it and remind me of where I have come from and direct me to where I am going. A lot has happened since I started this journey and I will be posting again very soon. This is a post I made via Facebook to explain why I started this blog in the first place.
This may be a bit long-winded but bear with me. It feels like something I need to share because it’s been on my heart for some time now…
To start with, this week so far hasn’t been great. I felt like ick all day yesterday but I had a ton to do at work so I tried to push through with a happy heart, was up most of the night with an upset stomach, only to walk downstairs to a flooded hallway. Kenley didn’t want to wake up and get ready for school (prayerfully she isn’t getting sick too). Thank you Susan Keeling Jordan for stepping in and helping me!! I appreciate you far more than I show you.
Basically one thing after another. Giving me every reason to have a bad attitude and not be thankful.
But y’all… I refuse to let it ruin my day because I know where it’s coming from and why.
My story really starts back around September or October and God has been working on me since.I found myself at the doctor feeling like my heart had daggers coming through it. After they did an EKG and told me basically I had a condition that could kill me in my sleep at any time (thankfully I got cleared by the cardiologist), I started down a pretty difficult journey of planning my final wishes. It made me really start thinking about the legacy I would/wanted to leave and what people would say about me after I’m gone. I have experienced more loss around me in this past year than I have in the prior 30 years of my life, so it made it something very real for me.
I truly feel like God has used this experience to once again catch my attention and bring my focus back on Him. He has continued to allow me to grow and brought me through some things that have led me to this point. I admit, I continuously fail him miserably.
There was a lot of negativity I needed to weed out of my life and a lot of hard decisions I had to make. Thankfully I had previously joined an amazing Community Group at church(shout-out to the 20 Something’s). It just so happened that during this time it was my turn to give my testimony. It came right on time because it made me have to start being more accountable. I wanted to be intentional and use it to really drive me to evaluate the person I have become and my relationship with Christ. During this process God reminded me of something very special to me. A moment that will never leave my mind and a moment God truly used to reveal Himself to me during a very dark time in my life.
Some people know my story and a lot of people don’t. Finding out I was pregnant was pretty much devistating to me at first but God truly used this time to bring me back to Him. I am guilty of referencing a lot of things back to this time but it was a pivotal part of my life. I had prayed diligently throughout my pregnancy and luckily Lauren Dorough Gregory made me try this new church she had recently started attending. They had just welcomed a new pastor and the church was everything I could ever ask for (shout-out Double Oak Community Church). I was forced to quit one of my 3 jobs, I suffered a lot financially that I’m still recovering from, but my God is greater than that. He told me that if I followed Him , He would provide for me. And praise be to His name above all else!! He has provided in more ways than I could have ever imagined.
While I was pregnant I had complications throughout and no support from the person that helped me get there. I remember needing to feel God and just longing for His presence. I needed for Him to basically show up at my doorstep, shake my hand and show me with my own two eyes that He was alive and well and with me.
If you know the God I know, you know that he makes His presence known when it is His timing and demands that we have faith that surpasses all understanding. I remember driving to the hospital the morning I was to give birth, praying. Praying for every detail I could think of on Kenley. I remember giggling to myself and asking Him to give her blue eyes. Give her a color so rare that I know He did it. I just knew that was a request that was the opposite of likely. And quite frankly I didn’t believe He would do it. But if you know my God, you know He has a sense of humor and you know He can show out when he chooses to.
It came time to deliver. I’m laying in the bed surrounded by my mom, sister and best friend, more upset than I ever let anyone know because I knew at the end of the day it was going to be just me and this little girl.
Me being weird requested a mirror to help me push and so I could see every bit of action down there going on. Obviously there was a lot of commotion between my sister gagging and me laughing at her demanding she keep taking pictures (I’m still not sorry Holly Hough), and all the other chaos surrounding that moment but when that child crowned and looked at me the first time the entire world stopped. Here, this not blue but GREY eyed girl stared up at me. A color of grey I have never seen to date.
My God, the one that I doubted, showed Himself to me in a profound way. He let me know there is nothing in this world too big, or too weird or too unique for Him to do. He showed me in that moment to never doubt His capability in my life or on this Earth. He is gracious and kind and a forgiving God. He is the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last. The beginning and the end. He knows all and He can and He will show Himself to us even when we aren’t looking. He is a Redeemer and He has the power to turn any situation around no matter how impossible it seems. We have to trust Him and He will always come through.
I tell you all this to say I am up for the fight and the devil will not get the victory. I feel like the Lord has called me to start a blog and I have listened to Him and allowed Him to lead me in it. Today seems like the right time to share it with you. I know that all of this is going to come as a surprise to a lot of people and you are going to approach it with doubt and criticism but it is my walk and I’m ok with it. I hope that you will support me, pray for me, and I pray that you will grow with me. I claim that God will reveal himself through this journey. I don’t claim to be perfect or have all the answers, so if you expect that then you may be disappointed. I ask that you walk with me and hold me accountable and help me along the way. I need your prayers.
I hope you find encouragement and this touches at least one person struggling with an unplanned pregnancy or a seemingly impossible situation. You have the strength to make it through and I have no doubts that God will provide. I am a living testament to His power.
Below is a link to my blog. I encourage you to follow it and give me feedback.